Postnatal Depression 2 | Kangaroo Spotting

Sponsored by Bupa Australia

I have been writing about my experience with postnatal depression (PND) and anxiety since my daughter was five months old. Recently I was offered an opportunity to put my face to this illness in a very public way.

Sometimes when someone offers you an opportunity to ‘walk-the-walk’ it can be terrifying but without fear we cannot be brave.

My family and I appeared in a commercial for Bupa’s Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program which debuted nationally in Australia over a week ago. We are not aspiring actors, just real people sharing our story to help other families who may be going through something similar.

I’ve always tried to speak about my experience with PND openly with my friends and blog-readers but when Bupa contacted me to see if I would like to share my story on national TV I was nervous….but in a good way. Whenever I decide to push beyond the boundaries of my comfort-zone, it usually leads to unexpected growth.

My gut told me told me to do the ad. I have been a Bupa customer since 2011 and I believed in the story they wanted to tell. I participated-in and loved the program they were promoting. The whole thing aligned with my core values. Best case scenario, more women would know about the program and it could help de-stigmatise post natal depression.

By saying yes to the ad, I could potentially reach more people than my blog or mouth ever could.

There are those who don’t believe in sharing such a personal journey and that’s okay too. I tried to picture what that criticism might look like. When I first started sharing stories on the blog I had family members question why I didn’t just write in a journal. They were trying to protect me but I was already hurting.

Back then, just like now, I wanted to go public. To connect to others. To hold myself accountable. To help change the world in my own, small way.

I am confident in where I am and how I got there.

And you know what? Being open about my journey has led to richer, more grounded relationships, deeper friendships and I have become much more confident in myself. Finally, I am not worried what others think of me.

I have learned that post natal depression is so much more common than I ever imagined. Maybe women, like myself, didn’t know where to go to seek help. Even as a Bupa customer, I was unaware I had access to The Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program until I desperately needed it.

So can I please ask you a favour?

Help me spread the word. Share this post with a pregnant friend, a mother, or a family that might need help or support.

Let’s all be accountable for those villages that all parents and children need.

Medela Australia paid me for my time to be interviewed in this video. I was so passionate about the subject matter that I decided to write about the results of a survey they recently revealed.

So apparently this whole idea that modern mothers are more anxious because they have access to too much information, is not exactly true.

I bought into that same myth myself and even rant about it in my mission statement. I have no idea why I adopted such a belief other than maybe it was easier to have something to blame for how I felt.

A survey of 4,000 Australian women, by Medela AU, showed that after seeking advice from a family Doctor or midwife, the next place mothers looked was the internet.

click to view infographic

Most women saw having access to expert information 24/7 as a huge benefit. They also found value in connecting with like-minded people. Of the women surveyed only ten percent felt overwhelmed by the amount of information available online. So there you have it. The interwebs are as convenient a place for parenting advice as they are for grocery shopping. #whatagift

Seriously. What did breastfeeding mothers do before smartphones? I remember Googling every. single. thing. It's a solitary job, being a milk maid.

So if the web isn’t stressing us out…it must be something else.

One sobering statistic the Medela AU survey revealed is 48% of women experience some form of depression/ baby blues/ low mood after childbirth. That is basically HALF of all mothers!!!

Let that sink in for a moment.

48% Half.

I mean, even as a fellow PND sufferer I had no idea the numbers were that high.

Why is this disturbing?

It tells me not nearly enough people are comfortable talking about their experience with PND
Therefore I highly doubt those women are getting the help and support they need

Maybe there is a stigma with the word ‘depression’ but my guess would be that there is more of a stigma surrounding the “M” word. Perhaps we feel that if we admit we are struggling with motherhood then we are failing at it.

Which is simply not true.

Opening up about my own experience with PND was terrifying. I literally felt sick when I published my first blog post about the subject. When I was flooded with emails, messages, and kind words from women who had all been through (or who were currently going through) the same experience, I no longer felt alone.

The main lesson I learned is that those metaphorical villages, you know, the ones it takes to raise a child? Well, they look different today.

More and more families are relocating for work, study or even an International romance (guilty). I live half the world away from the people I grew up with.

By opening up about my struggles, I didn’t know it then, but I was inviting people into my own, albeit virtual, village.

So what can help? According to the Medela survey three main things can help mothers who are suffering.

1. Speaking to a friend/ partner or family member
2. Reading about people’s similar experiences online
3. Consulting a Doctor or Midwife

So just like my advice in the video- we need to create our own villages.These could be online communities, forums, blogs, new friends. Medela AU have created a personalised app with all of these elements and more at your fingertips...Available even in the dim glow of a 3am feed.

To learn more about the Medela app clik here. I will plan to have it for the next bub because it’s a combination of several different apps I used when I had my daughter.

Note: Can I just say, participating in this campaign has been a privilege. I’m proud to work with a company like Medela AU who are clearly sensitive to a mothers needs. I hope this study encourages women to speak out, because they will find that they are definitely not alone.

If you or someone you love is suffering from depression please contact your local crisis hotline or beyond blue in Australia.

Sarah Heidinger Photography

My biggest shock about becoming a mother was the (temporary) loss of identity. I’ve written plenty of posts about it (most of them don’t quite articulate my experiences as well as I would like).

My life had been interesting but I felt like a drifter...I had a Masters degree and a 'useful' thesis on how the cult of celebrity influences trends. I had a passport proudly filled with stamps, a catalogue of interesting job titles and I moved my entire life to Australia for love. Sounds pretty cool right? Well, when I became a Mother the little patchwork of a life got obliterated.

I no longer had the time and freedom I once took for granted. How could I be a Mom and still be me?

Combine an identity crisis with lack of sleep, unstable hormones, loss of confidence and you have the perfect recipe for depression. Yup. And to make matters worse (or better, depending on how you look at it) I decided to publicly journal my feelings in a blog. Hello I’m a vulnerable little flower *cower*

Luckily I received the opposite of boot-prints and rather instant support in the form of messages, calls, emails lots of people saying 'me too!' Even my husband received messages from his friends to see if we were okay. This was humbling and motivating.

Writing was one of my neglected loves and resurrecting it proved to be more than a useful outlet. As soon as I was able to write honestly and let go of my crippling perfectionism I could process how I felt and let the healing process begin.

I continued down the dusty path of my dormant hobbies nurturing them them one by one. Once my love for art bloomed so did my interest in design, photography and crafting. I started taking a few online classes, reading books, watching tutorials (you can learn so much for free!)

I was desperate to make my free-time count. Investing in myself seemed selfish until I remembered that by doing this I would be giving my daughter the ultimate gift- an example. Following my interests and rediscovering my passion turned into a business, a mission, something that makes me feel happy and fulfilled.

Art in all it’s forms is an expression of our identity and personality. It does not matter if we make it, hang it, or view it——> this is fuel for growth. I want to help others (re)discover their identity through art and creativity.

I'm working on a few projects that will help show others how I went from a confused, depressed, new mother to a person both my daughter and I can be proud of.

I don't intend to write a self-help book or a how-to manual. My hope is that by sharing my story and some of the tools I've used may spark some inspiration or show you the first signpost for your own authentic quest.

Help me help you- what would you like to hear about most?

My daughter was only a few weeks old the first time someone casually asked me when I was going to have another baby. (???!!!) As the years roll on the question comes faster and more furiously.

Why do people feel the need to try and convince you to 'do as they do'? If you have kids close together, they tell you the benefits of spacing them out, if you space your kids out, they tell you the benefits of having them close together.

Look, I get it, sometimes people are just making conversation however when they persist things can get awkward. I've gotten into near arguments with people trying to change my mind about having another one rightthisminute.

Luckily for me I should be physically able to bear a second baby but wouldn't I feel terrible if I couldn't? Why should I have to rehash that every time a well-meaning (opinionated) stranger asks about my family plans?

Here are the most common reasons people give for having two kids in a row (always from people with two or more kids in a row) and why I disagree. Feel free to use these arguments next time you get bombarded.

1. Age Gap

I’d like to have words with the so-called expert who decided there is an ideal age gap between siblings. My brother and I are four years apart and we survived just fine. In fact, I remember HELPING my Mom with him when he was a baby. Once I saved his life when the phone rang and he tumbled into my bath while our Mom went to answer it.

Truth be told, my bro and I weren’t besties growing up but I that had way more to do with personality differences. If we were one year, two years, or five years apart it would have been the same deal. Now I love that dude to pieces and I’m grateful for him. We even have matching tats because we rule.

I hope my daughter knows that sibling bond someday…just not today.

2. Get the hard years over with at once

Come on! Having two babies close in age means double the hard stuff. You can’t fool me.

Look, this comes down to personal preference. I like to space out life’s tough stuff (within my control) with some fluff in between. Some brave folks prefer to put heads down, kiss fun goodbye for a few years, then look up and see if they made it to the other side. May the force be with you.

If it were me- I would never leave the house. The thought of loading baby/diaper-bag/stroller x 2 would be too draining (good thing I don't have twins or triplets!)

"I’ll take tantrums over breastfeeding, a single stroller over a double, grilled cheese sandwiches over veggie purees, potty-training over vomit, and babycinos over bottles. That’s just me. You won’t change my mind."

These days my two-year-old pals around with me like a little legend. She sits still long enough for a coffee date and I can bribe her with frozen yoghurt while I shop the Kmart home goods section. She even digs sitting in shopping carts while I do the dreaded grocery shopping. Oh and did I mention she’s been sleeping 12 hours a night since age 7 months? Yeah I’m bragging. You would too.

3. If you wait too long you won’t want to go back for another

Whats wrong with an only?

Maybe I just lost the desire to do it again. Are you concerned I’ll have regrets? That’s so thoughtful!

The prospect of ‘going back to the newborn days’ at any time sounds daunting (and terrifying) but if people tell you that they didn’t have another baby simply because they ‘waited to long’ I'd be suspicious. I know couples who have gone to the ends of the Earth to have a child. If someone REALLY and TRULY wanted another baby they would do it. Even if it meant their comfy routine would be punctuated with newborn demands.

4. The Mother’s Age

Your eggs are wilting!

Lot’s of Mothers are waiting until their 30’s to have babies because our Mamma’s taught us ‘career first!’ Admittedly there is a bit of biological pressure to crank the kids out close together in this case. I’ve read the stats and they are scary. Yes, our lifetime supply of eggs dwindle and chances of birth defects rise with each passing year.

No denying that it’s statistically it’s easier to get pregnant the younger you are and it’s undeniable you’ll have more energy the earlier you do (but maybe if you’re older you can afford more help).

So with this one I kind of see your point but to each their own (which is my point about this whole business really).

Just so you know- I’m willing to risk it. And I’m talking about waiting like ONE more year, not seven, so calm yourselves people (there…you’ve gotten it out of me, I’ve revealed my plan).

Defence rests.

What about the risk of Post Natal Depression (PND) a second time?

There is no denying that I had it tough emotionally after the birth of my daughter and it took me a long time to feel normal again.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried about battling with post natal depression again but it’s not the only reason I’m putting Rieniets 2.0 on hold.

Call me selfish but in many ways I feel that when my daughter was born so was I. When you only have a tiny fraction of time to yourself as a parent- you try your damnedest to make that time count (once you have the energy to do so).

All I wanted to do was set a good example for my baby girl and in doing so I’ve started following my dreams. I would like one more year to work on those things before I have to scale it all back (which I will happily do for my family). Someday I hope ‘both’ kids will thank me because they will have a contented and fulfilled Momma.

Besides, I’m just not that into two kids in nappies at the same time.

Slipped and fell right back into my Mom uniform.

Lavinia and I have been back from the USA for exactly one week. I’m both happy and bummed to report that we are already back in our routine.

Today was her first day back at childcare so I took a yoga class and now sit here writing (at my glorious new Macbook Pro.)

Returning home from America gave me a little extra pep, confidence and a few new items for my wardrobe (what better reason to get out and about than a new outfit?) I wanted to make it a point to explore the city of Melbourne more. Two days in- and we did just that! Straight into town to meet a friend for coffee.

Alas, the weather turned drab so my motivation plummeted. We did have two appointments this week which forced us out of hibernation and into jeans... I tried staying dressed until my husband got home from work buuuuuut fail.

Somehow I'm in my Mommy uniform again (uuuuggggghhh) and I need to fix the situation.

I love the idea of getting dressed everyday (in something other than sweats) because it makes me feel better about myself. Also it means I’m more likely to go and do something last minute. Are we out of garlic? I can confidently run to the supermarket. Does my sister-in-law want to meet for coffee? I will be prepared to enter society.

When I was suffering from post natal depression both my daughter and I lived in our jammies. It’s funny looking back at her ‘monthly progress’ photos she was often in PJ's. It’s the sad type of evidence which shows that I was struggling.

Mommy- let's put some clothes on and get amongst it.

I'm no longer struggling but I've sure gotten lazy with my fashion- which sounds superficial but it's not. I believe the way we dress not only expresses how we feel about ourselves but also how we want the world to perceive us. And those two things are important.
In the early post natal months I was limited with clothing because of nursing, then in the months following I was working to shed baby-weight. Recently I realised that my old wardrobe does not necessarily represent me anymore. I don’t have to worry about looking 'corporate' or 'adult' I don't have much of a nightlife...I just want to look like me- so I am trying to figure that out how to do that.

When I was in Buffalo I finished my half-sleeve. It’s something I’ve wanted to do but haven’t had the guts to for many years. I finally feel confident enough in myself as an artistic person to present myself as such. When I was in Nashville, a cab driver asked my friend and I if we were musicians- I took that as a HUGE compliment.

Rock'n'Roll Mama (oooouuuuuch!)

So what the hell am I still doing in my sweatpants? I don’t know, but I’m going to change that before it’s time to pick up Lavinia.

Even though my family is on a tight budget due to a home renovation (which just started this week!) I decided to really think about purchasing one or two things that make me feel good, comfortable and are durable enough for my Mommy lifestyle. So far my boyfriend jeans have been a great investment. My beloved 1990’s are back in fashion so I snatched a couple flannies and a cute pair of converse. Maybe I'm dressing a little young for a 34-year-old Mother but you know what? I feel a helluva lot better than I did in my sweats and hoodie.

So there you are. Fun/ cool Mom reporting for duty. It took all of ten minutes. (Don't mind my messy spare-room bed in the background, priorities people.)

A little effort goes a long way.

The tools:
A bit of makeup (concealer, bronzer, eyeshadow, mascara and lipgloss)
Boyfriend jeans
Converse
Black and white flannel
Blue wool v-neck sweater
Gold hoop earrings

What’s your Mom Style? What’s the one thing you could wear everyday to feel good about yourself?

As I prepare to fly to my hometown for the first time in over a year, I'm reminded of how far I've come in my battle with postnatal depression and anxiety.

This time a year ago I vowed to be more honest with myself and to everyone around me. A vital and important step. No point in keeping up appearances or pretending to be strong.

Don't Label Yourself

In my second therapy session, I asked my psych for a diagnosis. She told me that it is unclear so early on and asked why it mattered to me. Looking back, I didn't need to know in order to heal. Screw labels. I did not ask her again because I stopped worrying about it.

Based on my experience, if you're unsure whether you're suffering from PND, anxiety or otherwise, just talk to someone anyway. Paying a third party to listen to your troubles is invaluable no matter what you call it. You don't need to come out as 'depressed,' let's leave that to legends like the courageous Caitlyn Jenner. We Mother's can be everyday heroes simply by talking about postnatal issues- that way everyone would feel a lot less stigmatized.

So what did I learn?

I learned to trust myself. To venture out into the world again. That sometimes people say things tinged with judgment but it could just be my own interpretation.

I learned to wrangle unhelpful thoughts before they completely derail, taking my mood with them. I can focus on the bigger picture and understand how to achieve goals, even if it's one as small as getting through the day.

I learned to become confident in myself as a mother- even though I have no real idea what I'm doing. My cheerful daughter is proof that I am managing to fumble through with enough love and respect to feel positive about the whole experience.

I learned to let go of past hurts, for real, and am working on the second most important mother-daughter relationship in my life- the one I have with my own.

In many ways, my last trip to Buffalo was a disaster. It started before we even got off the ground- nerves about the flight, driving myself crazy about what to pack, how to carry everything if it would negatively affect my baby. I didn't write about it much because I was in survival mode. And you'll never guess what happened...we survived.

This time I'm not even nervous about the journey. I know to expect a level of (toddler sized) difficulty, and if it exceeds those expectations for better or worse we will deal. There is no point worrying about the things we cannot control- yes, I just said that (the control freak that I am.)

My family has experienced loss and heartache since the last time I was on US soil. This trip is bigger than a visit, more than a hello. In many ways it's about saying goodbye, getting the closure, support, and familiarity that only roots can provide. I live every day without the whole other half of my life around me. I need to go be whole again for a while.

I'm coming for you Buffalo, with my arms and heart wide open.

{If you or someone you know suffers from postnatal anxiety or depression please seek help. I can speak for the resources here in Australia and they are outstanding. I can only hope there is something comparable in the USA however it is probably locally based and you'll have to do some searching. Let's not forget that Father's can suffer from it as well.}

In Australia
Bupa Parent and Baby Wellbeing Program (This is the program I participated in)
Beyond Blue

Becoming a parent has forced my humanity to develop at warp speed. Once my daughter was born the world changed. And even more than that psychic shift, I suddenly felt accountable for my actions past, present and future.

As I’m sure we all know, it’s hard to take advice from someone who does not practice what they preach. If I have high expectations for my daughter I must hold myself to those same standards, otherwise, my advice to her is useful as vapor.

Of course, I want my little girl to chase her dreams, break barriers, and be a kind soul. Well then darn it- it’s time for me to be all those things and more so I can show her how it's done.

I always thought I was one of those people who had not found ‘my thing,’ my life’s passion. The truth is, I knew what it was all along I was just too afraid to own it.

Don’t get me wrong, I've lived, have been a little bit interested in a lot of different things. Like taking yoga in foreign languages, eating dinner in complete darkness, sailing on ferries, giving out fake names, playing matchmaker, stealing toilet paper, tattooing a human, falling in love with an Australian stranger in Malaysia then marrying him. It’s been an unforgettable whirlwind.

Despite all those wild memories, I can’t shake the feeling that even though it appears I have been living my dreams, I've actually been distracting myself from them.

When you become a mother at 32 (almost 33) you've lived enough life to know that your options are instantly limited. The list of things you will never do grows longer and your wide, bright future becomes a pinhole- understandable because your priorities have changed. That's quite a lot of pressure for a free spirit however if you are also a procrastinator like myself, it might just be the ignition you need to get into gear.

I have traveled the world, married a wonderful man, given birth to a healthy child but what good are those things if I have not created something just for myself? If I am fulfilled I will be a better wife/ mother/ person and my daughter is the direct benefactor.

Growing up my heart and life revolved around the arts. I danced, painted, played instruments, sang, acted, wrote stories and poetry. All these things were encouraged and supported until University Graduation. Suddenly I was supposed to act like a grown up and ‘get a real job’ which sounded dreadfully boring.

And yes, I could have gone against the grain and fought hard for my dream but it’s not easy when you are a young person being launched into the world. Your parents’ opinions mean everything especially when you aren't mature enough to trust yourself. I looked for guidance everywhere but within. “Shadow artists did not receive sufficient nurturing. They blame themselves for not acting fearlessly anyhow (Julia Cameron).”

So now, no more blame. I can look at my adventures, half-cooked ideas, abandoned career paths and use those as material and inspiration for my new creative life.

I sound so confident don't I? Really though, I’m shitting myself. Every now and then I think “what’s the point,” or “I’m not good enough.” But even I can respect someone who tries and fails more than someone who never tries at all.

Now the work begins. Here I am, an adult student in a limitless classroom. There are no assignments, no deadlines, no grades, no graduation. I am the only one to judge whether or not I’m trying my hardest. The only one who knows if my goals are getting enough attention. The top key performance indicator will be- whether I am someone my daughter can look up to.

I slept like a jet-lagged lunatic last night. A refreshing change.

It was quite the departure from my usual early morning insomnia. If any of you out there battle with sleep you know that the harder you try to find it, the more elusive the beast becomes.

Lucky today was Day Care Day with added bonus counseling because I needed to talk about some sleep strategies.

I spoke to my therapist, not only about my sleeplessness but also something else that had been lurking in my mind. Negativity. Lately, I feel so negative. So much of my news is illness, sickness, tiredness, restlessness... She told me something I found very enlightening- apparently, this is a common feeling for people coming out of a depression.

Firstly, it’s wonderful to acknowledge that I am coming out of a depression(!) and secondly, that I’m not alone in my thinking.

Apparently, this is how it goes down: The great all-encompassing depression cloud, if you had to rate it on a scale would be the most intense emotion you experience when it is hovering over you. Other emotions like anger and negativity are present too but naturally take a backseat.

Once that oppressing, depressing fog recedes, we start to feel these other emotions again. They are the same as they ever were yet we experience them more strongly now without the depression-goggles. It makes total sense (in my mind anyway.) So people who are no longer seriously depressed tend to worry they are too angry or negative. Which strangely made me feel better.

I am a true believer that you need to experience the negative to appreciate the positive. It’s unrealistic to be happy all the time (though my husband does a frustratingly good job at it). It is only fitting that in order to work on our ‘light’ we also need to delve into our ‘shadows,’ otherwise, we are simply deluding ourselves.*

So to my family and friends-please bare with me as I slip in and out of the dark.

The Two of You Light My Way

*concept based on a quote I saw on a friend’s Facebook page from SiriMati, yoga teacher.

It will always seem strange to me that in Australia, the seasons go by calendar months, not by the equinoxes. When the change of seasons are not overtly distinguishable I guess that turns the year into a neatly quartered pie. This makes things more simple.

When I first moved to Melbourne, I remember being so confused about what time of year it was. In my former life I could tell by the weather.

December 1^st is the first day of Summer in these parts. Lavinia and I have been exploring the backyard and playing with hose water to keep cool.

Her little cheeks turn pink when she’s warm. As a child, I remember wishing mine would do that very thing so I would pinch them in the bathroom mirror.

Lately, I’ve been writing more. My childhood is something that keeps rising to the surface. This makes sense because now I’m part of someone else’s childhood. Only this time I’m gifted with a lens more than three decades old with which to view it. Like the seasonal calendar in Australia- children make life appear so much simpler. We, adults, are the ones who make it complicated.

The memories I’m exploring are something I will share in the future. For now, I'll be honest about myself and try not to worry that someday my little girl will read it all and be able to see my flaws...though it’s a troubling thought- I do want her to know I’m human. I make mistakes. So far, I’ve tried to learn from them.For now, I’m just unloading my brain (when I have a spare moment) to put the thoughts in black and white. You know, to make things more simple.