Running my fingers along the twisted scar on my abdomen I wince at the tissue’s thickness and what it represents.
The baby cries impatiently as I fumble for my glasses. I haven’t slept more than a three-hour clip in four months. For a moment I flopped back down in bed and pulled the blanket over my head. What if I just refused to get up?
Less than six months ago. I felt that close to giving up. Every. Single. Day.
I tried to prepare for my second child. Took all the preventative measures to avoid or minimise a second round of postnatal depression. The emergency caesarian was not part of my plan. Nor the reflux issues and sleeplessness that followed.
I retreated from my social networks. I couldn't taste food. I felt equal parts overwhelmingly busy and bored. My interests faded. The negative self-talk had a freaking field day on my self-esteem.
{There were several exceptional humans who helped with my responsibilities, allowed me to nap, brought me coffee, let me cry, DM'ed me the best midwife advice. Thank you, my village.}
My husband was also sleep-deprived and stressed beyond recognition. His usual positivity gave way to worry due to uncertainty at work. Lucky guy, he bounced from one stressful environment to another. It took every last breath in his tank to make sure I wasn't going to completely lose my marbles. We barely saw one another, he barely saw the girls.
This too shall pass, they say. But when you’re in the middle of it, the end alludes you.
When my Grandmother passed away in New York and I couldn’t get home for the funeral, it was the closest to a nervous breakdown I’ve ever felt.
It was time for the BIG question. What’s it all for?
That’s when we flipped the Goddamn table on our life.
Matt got his Commercial and Residential builders licenses. With this massive goal achieved, it was like someone flung open a window in our house full of closed doors. As a family, all four of us managed to squeeze out of that little escape hatch and bust into the sunlight.
1. By Being a Good Person
Matt worked his ass off for fifteen years in the construction industry. He made great relationships with subcontractors and built a reputation for himself as a fair, respectful and honest person. Don't burn bridges unless they're toxic, stand up for what's right, people will remember you for it. Protect your reputation.
2. Making Time
There's never enough 'time.' Never for anyone, ever. Throw out that excuse. Matt pursued a life-long dream of getting his builders license even though the timing was downright shitty after having our second baby. I supported him and complained every step of the way. Two days a week I only saw him during night feeds. We got through it and I wouldn't change a thing.
3. Sacrificing Something Big
We sold our dream home. At the end of the day, it’s sticks and bricks. Better that we have more autonomy, more time as a family. It was an emotional rollercoaster selling in today's market. But we've done it! Cashed-up, and cashed-in, ready to start our business. Something had to give and I’m glad it was the house and not one of our brains.
4. Creating The Scariest Thing We Could Think Of
We started our own construction company. Everyone Matt speaks to about starting a business says the same thing, “Starting my own business is the best thing I’ve ever done, my only regret is not doing it sooner.” It takes gonads. It takes teamwork. It takes trust. Our chips are in and we are high-fiving all the way to the starting line.
Matt has been home with the kids and I for the last few months. We’ve been tested with two deaths in the family, my depression, the four of us getting sick for a month, a baby who didn’t sleep through the night, selling our home in a declining market….I’m not sure how much more pressure you can place on a partnership.
The experience has absolutely galvanised us.
We made all the difficult decisions as a team. We trusted one another. We supported each other. We snuggled our babies and took turns sleeping-in (he only had a few turns).
My mental health is the best it’s been in years if not decades. THIS is what it's all about.
I know if all goes to plan, life will get busy again. Matt will be working long hours and the pressure will ramp up. The difference is that this time it's on our own terms. The risks are greater but so are the potential rewards.
Life is too short to stay on a socially constructed path. There are other ways to do things. Take a risk, get off the grid, travel, love, create. It’s probably going to involve a trade or a sacrifice but what’s more important, being safe or living?
“Life is all about not knowing, and then doing something anyway.” Mark Manson (from Screw Finding your Passion).
Please take care of your family, heads, and hearts, my friends.
What’s the biggest risk you ever took? What did you learn from it?
Gah, Dawn! What a time! I’m so pleased you’re coming through the other side. I can’t really say we’ve been risk takers but I can relate to pulling together through tough times and how that galvanises you as a couple. Years ago my man was in a highly stressful work environment, suffering anxiety and depression - sometimes he’d go for a drive to clear his head and I would pray that he would return home safe. Then our son fell severely ill whilst overseas with me having to go and bring him home, weeks of us then splitting time with him in hospital and our daughter at home, not knowing how long it would take for him to recover or what the prognosis would be, and then my own diagnosis with a chronic health issue. And yes, you know it will pass but you don’t know when. If someone could say ‘it’ll be better in twelve months’ you know how long you have to push through, but at the time, you don’t. So it’s one foot in front of the other. But the silver lining is knowing that that person is beside you, you’re a team. You and Matt are a team for both yourselves as a couple and for your girls. Hope smoother, happier days are shared by all of you now xx
You absolutely nailed it when you said if someone could tell you how long it would all take, you know you could push through. I had that thought a million times over the past 12 months. I knew there would be a lesson learned but at the time I could not see the forest for the trees. My goodness it sounds like you’ve had quite the ride as well! One thing I’ve really tried to implement is that life never gets ‘easier/ less busy / less difficult’ so it’s important that I try and find the moments of joy in all the chaos, even if it’s teeny tiny, like listening to the baby laugh. Great work on getting through hard times with your team. Lots of love heading your way from over here. <3