The big extension we are building on our house seems like a metaphor for my state of mind at the moment.
This dream manifesting in our backyard will more than double our living area. It’s so close to being completed that I can almost feel the carefully considered finishes on my fingertips and sense the way we will use the thoughtfully planned spaces.
Since our first meeting with the architect 15 months ago so much has changed. Our daughter has gone from baby to little girl, I’ve lost family members, started a business, struggled to keep depression at bay, tried to practice gratitude.
I think these last few weeks of the project will transform it the most, from blank canvas to bespoke, as soon as the cabinets, flooring and fixtures are installed.
That is where I am with my own mental health. The foundation is sturdy. The walls have been constructed. I have been working on it, hard, since facing post natal depression when Lavinia was five months old. Now I’m digging deeper and discovering the root causes of my emotional dysfunction. Things that go back to my childhood. It’s both excruciating and illuminating…like waiting for something you desperately want. I’m so ready to discover the person I am destined to become.
Everything feels crowded in my head and home, ready to burst into a new space. I keep buying homewares and shoving them into cramped closets reluctant to throw anything away because soon there will be more room.
So, maybe creating new room for old junk is not the solution.
I had itchy feet as a young adult and my feelings now are similar to how I felt back when I needed travel to escape myself. I often heard; “Where ever you go, there you are.” A true warning indeed yet I believe a new place can allow you to see yourself from a different perspective. Even if it’s in your own backyard.
If I’ve learned anything from running it’s that you can’t rely on a shift in perspective alone to wipe your slate clean.
It’s easy to ‘wait’ for a big change to make a big change but I think the lesson is: do it now. Hunker down wherever you are and get comfortable in your own skin.
Maybe we need to purge the things we don’t need immediately-not-later so we don’t drag them along into our future.
A little reminder to myself: Make your baggage a little lighter (literally and metaphorically), Stop counting down the days, Be more patient, Feel where you are in this moment, Declutter the heart and mind now so you can enter your new space with an already gleaming slate.