For instance- friend of a friend of Matty’s has agreed to meet me for coffee so I can suck up and get some advice. Don’t get me wrong this is a positive thing, not a humiliating thing. I’m just in a negative mood.
So far- just a few automated rejection emails from jobs I’ve applied to online. A few un-returned phone calls from recruiters and random contacts. Frustration.
I’m down to my last 20 dollars but have a lot to be thankful for. The weather is beautiful and it’s the winter season. I can walk to a Bikram yoga studio from our apartment- I may not be able to afford to go right now, but that won’t last forever. The flat Matt and I are renting is beautiful, bigger and better than anyplace I’ve lived on my own. And I’m with the love of my life.
The best part is though- all the stress, all the worry about financial independence is worth every minute I spend with Matty. Gawd bless him for putting up with my mood swings at this fragile time in my life. I mean, I just got off the phone with my Mom and lost it. I miss her. There’s drama at home that I’m not there to shoulder. And on top of that all she talks about is my doggy- whom I’ve abandoned. Not home sick but just feeling the holes that those I love could easily fill with a look or embrace. Now it’s emails and timed phone calls. More impersonal and digital.
No matter how I look at it- even when I allow myself to feel. Really. Bad….It’s still worth it.